A while ago I watched a play-through of the game 'Life is Strange' in the original Japanese version. Over the course of watching the game's story unfold for me, I felt many strong emotions. From a yearning to the peace and quiet of living in a suburb, to the regularity of being a university student, to lots of feelings regarding friendship.
I feel that in many ways this game summarises my life pretty well, from the incredible changes even a single choice or event in one's life can have, to being forced to contemplate about what truly matters the most to one in life. Also in that many choices given in life, can be quite literally the impossible choice between certain doom and slightly less certain doom for oneself and/or others.
I love being alive with all the options it gives me. I also hate being alive for all the pain it causes me. I want to work on all of these things which make me feel happy and joyful. I want to run away from everything that causes me pain and, if impossible, kill myself. It's that contradiction, that balance in life which defines it most strongly of all.
Living on borrowed time in a run-down apartment, not knowing when the landlady will launch the next hateful action, as well as going through what should hopefully be the past months in a traumatising medical quest, none of these are things which make one happy. They're stressful, and require one to constantly see a way out, whether in the form of finding a new house to move into, or constant, proper medical and psychological support.
I realise that I am still suicidally depressed and doing my best to hide this fact from my environment, except when I write on this blog, or have a personal talk with people I trust. The balance in my life is still completely off in favour of the 'life is terrible' side.
With for example my previous blog post indicating the completely helplessness and hopelessness I feel regarding escaping out of this hell-hole I'm currently renting, it seems fairly obvious where most of the stress I experience at this point originates.
Medically I'm less worried. Even with some lingering issues still there, at least I'm getting some form of actual help there now, instead of just outright denial and a cold shoulder. There I just have to visit this psychologist later this month in preparation for my impending surgery, later this or next year.
Yet what is the point of finally getting that recognition and medical help after more than a decade, if I'm still living in a place which I hate and where I will be forced to leave before long anyway? It barely budges the happiness balance.
It feels somewhat like the situation the best friend of Life is Strange's main character is in, with her new dad being a complete tyrant and not only making her life a hell, but also pushing her to do things she would otherwise never have done. Not having a safe, proper home is one of the worst things imaginable, while longing for a different reality is perhaps one of the most painful.
And yet, next week I could suddenly get a message from someone, about a great house I can rent almost immediately. Then after a flurry of moving, contracts, packing and unpacking, I could see all of these worries and stress suddenly evaporate.
Because life is strange like that, and people can also make life awesome.
Maya
2 comments:
Hi there!
I've started my transgender transition last year. From having people who would support me (family) to having people who hate me whenever I'm home (also family), I know exactly how you feel. Last year, I really really wanted to 'finish myself' since there were a lot of things I disliked and I didn't want to go through hell again (I know how it feels to be homeless. I don't want to feel like that again) - and from what I've read you probably don't want to go through it, either.
You have to fight, girl! If you can't find anywhere cool to live there, then find somewhere else. Will you lose your job then? Find another one! Aside from that, I can't really give you much advice T_T (I'm a 'similar' situation, one like 'either I find someplace to live in 1 month or else I'll be probably near dead). I'm trying remote work (I live on a cheap country - Brazil) to try and get myself standing, but things are hard :<
If you want to talk, just mail me! (muune@hotmail.com.br - old e-mail, I fear the spam I'll get if I post my real mail - though if you dig through my wordpress 'fake' blog you'll pretty much find my real mail) I love talking to people.
Good luck!
Jessyka
Hello Jessyka: I hope things worked out for you in the end :)
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