Nearly two years I left the Netherlands - my country of birth - for good. Background was nearly a decade of constant harassment by Dutch physicians and psychologists, who were adamant that I should believe that I was transsexual. That my beliefs that I most likely had an intersex body were just a delusion. While the medical evidence for the first few years was rather flimsy, soon the evidence began to pile up, thanks to German physicians. From the first MRI scan showing me to be a hermaphrodite in late 2007, to the exploratory surgery in 2011 which confirmed this even further, it seemed pretty irrefutable.
Yet the Dutch physicians and psychologists wouldn't budge. I couldn't be intersex. It was impossible. Even if I didn't show any signs of being transsexual, even as the medical evidence in favour kept mounting, even as the Dutch legal system approved my official gender change based upon an intersex law. Even while I didn't appear masculine in any form or shape and suffered immensely in daily life due to having a male identity but a female body. They were still trying to convince me that I had to be transsexual, down to the last appointments at the gender teams in Amsterdam and Groningen.
So I left the Netherlands. Clearly all the Netherlands could offer me was more pain, suffering and continuing harassment. About a decade of brainwashing and psychological torture attempts had left their traces, showing in a severe lack of certainty about what my body truly is. I was an emotional wreck.
Yesterday's lecture by this German physician about how I simply have to be a transsexual brought all of that back again. I do not f*cking know why physicians are either so ignorant, misguided or utterly retarded that they'd keep proposing something which is by any stretch of the imagination impossible. Clearly they do not have a shred of empathy, or professionalism for that matter, or they wouldn't suggest something that is so utterly stupid.
After more than a decade of studying on this subject I know very well what a transsexual is. I am not one. I never identified as either male or female. I do not regard my body as either male or female. I do not wish to change this body I have. I didn't start in a gender role, I'm still trying to find a comfortable one for myself, though I'm not entirely sure why I'd need one.
What's more than that, after studying up on intersex I am now also an expert on that topic, easily competing with those who have a fancy paper to supposedly prove that they remember anything about medicine. I have been living, breathing and suffering through the topic. I am painfully aware of the fact that my body isn't strictly male or female, biologically speaking. The skeleton is decidedly female, as is the musculature, yet the reproductive organs are a completely disorganised mess, resulting in me having been born sterile.
Yet I know nothing. Those oh so smart doctors know it all better than me. I just have to shut the f*ck up and listen them, accept that I'm just a happy little transsexual so that they can get me on the surgery table and cut out every single part which would conclusively define me as being a hermaphrodite and intersex. For that they need to convince me that I wish to become a regular female. They have been trying to do so for a decade now. I. Do. Not. Wish. To. Become. A. Female.
I am intersex. I am a hermaphrodite. While I mostly identify as female, my sex is 'feminine hermaphrodite' and this is just fine to me.
I just would like to know whether anything can be done with this rudimentary vagina that was discovered on the MRI scans and during that exploratory surgery. Also whether I should be worried about these menstruation and pregnancy symptoms, also because it's all closed up and if any fluids are produced each month, they have nowhere to go. I just want to feel reassured and get some answers to these questions.
If any of those questions are things a transsexual would ask, I think I have talking to the wrong transsexuals over the past decade.
F*ck physicians. F*ck psychologists. Damn them all to hell. If there's a good one among the lot of 'em, let God sort them out... I know I won't ever meet one I can trust.
Maya
2 comments:
Grrrr.
Why do even well meaning doctors just not get it? The only person who has any say over your body and what it means is you. And you already know who you are. Their discomfort and rigidity in enforcement of a sex and gender spectrum that is limited to only man or woman is the problem that needs to be fixed.
Not you. You are perfectly perfect as Maya.
I attended my doctor appointment yesterday morning.
During the appointment he told me he would not prescribe progesterone to any of his patients because it converts testosterone into eostrogen. He told me he would not prescribe me oestrogen because I do not need it as I am a male and it has side effects and would not even speak of anti-androgens.
He told me he would be more than willing to prescribe me testosterone.
When I said I demand oestrogen, oestradiol, anti-androgens and progesterone he asked me if I wanted to be a woman. I said no so he told me I couldn't.
He told me that I am not a hermaphrodite because my previous endocrinologist said I am not in a letter to him but she told me I am. So she has deliberately lied.
I will next time say that I want to be a female simply so I can go to the gender clinic in London. Supposedly they now are very good with hermaphrodites unlike back in 2007 when I was originally offered a referral.
Basically I WILL LIE and say I am transsexual then go back on it when I am there and see what the pen pushing sexual perverts say.
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