Today my brother and his new wife dropped by. It was the first time I saw them together, and it reminded me why I had avoided such a meeting so far. It evokes just far too many negative feelings inside me. They left earlier and I'm left with raw pain and sorrow tearing their way through my very soul. Note that I don't blame them for anything. They're just what they are: normal people.
I just got dealt a really bad hand of cards even before I was born which would disadvantage me for the rest of my life, which would make my youth a hell and stunt my emotional and social development. It would prevent me from making friends at any stage in life.
I feel like a small child. Just playing around while ignoring the world until something suddenly makes me look up from the sandbox I was playing in, and notice that all my fantasies are just that.
Why does it feel like I get all the hardships while others breeze ahead in life? The terrifying pain of not having any reasons for why my life has to be a Hell drives me towards the only action one can take in the face of ultimate meaninglessness: defying the terrors of life by terminating it, thus taking away the means through which it can hurt me.
I'm a child. A terrified child. A child locked in a closet by its parents for so long, it has forgotten how long it has been. All I know is uncertainty and sheer terror. I would dream of a better life, but I don't know how. There's just this darkness.
Maybe some day...
It'll be fine...
Keep fighting...
You're so strong...
...
There's only darkness. Only loneliness. Only this hole in my heart which makes me want to scream out in pain. Just voices whispering to me in the darkness. If only I could end it...
Maya
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